Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Winter Photos, Day 1 Collage
We're trading off coming up with the themes for the week, so I chose "Winter" for this week. Kinda fun.
My goodness the holidays are right around the corner! Maybe its because I just started a new job but it doesn't quite feel that they are so close. Maybe its also because I don't really get much of a holiday - 2 four day weekends at home, I guess I can't really complain. Its what I got last year as well, and besides, I rather enjoy work. Today I took my first call and was discombobulated as heck. Of course, I am nothing if not a tactile learner, learning best by example and even best-ER by mistake.
Most of my family and friends don't really do gifts for the holidays. We prefer to take the time we'd normally take to shop for one another, and just spend that time together instead. Of course, my friends are kinda scattered all over the place this year, so I'm not even sure how many people I'll get to see. I guess that's the way life flows in this day and age.
I'm not quite sure what exactly to make of "this day and age." Surely it confers many advantages to us, but while I've loved all the opportunities for exploration, growth and self-knowledge that I have gained in the process, I have to say, there's something moorless, unsettled, about my life as well, almost as though I am a ship drifting out at sea, wandering different harbors, occasionally coming back to home base but having been gone for so long, no place is really quite "home" anymore. As though my sense of "home" is fractured over a million different places, so that every place is a tiny bit familiar, and none completely so. The more you know the more you gain, but at the same time the less any one place [or person] can completely satisfy you or completely understand you.
Which is one of the reasons that having Alex in my life recently has made me a lot calmer. This relationship has eased a lot of the lows in life. Sure, some of them are still there, but the intense brooding, the cynicism, the bouts of depression and vague plagueings of loneliness have largely subsided. All those "dark" sides that I rarely share with anybody, preferring instead to display the quirky, optimistic, laughing, childlike amusement side of myself to others. I have lived with myself long enough to know how to handle this side of me; on the other hand, he gives me a mental space that is free from those anxieties, or at least a safe place to work through them. He provides me with a safe harbor to return to at the end of the day, even if we can only talk on the phone for a couple minutes.
I know it is probably super cheesy and corny and possibly a tad bit unwise to air your feelings to the general public, but I know that very few people read this anyways, and sometimes it is nice to put into words what you have been thinking for quite some time. Every blog and every blogger adopts a certain voice, a particular persona that may be completely indicative of the person in real life or not at all [I'm pretty sure my various blogs all have a slightly different "sound"], and sometimes I may wax poetic on here and sometimes I may bite out sarcasm or ironic amusement at my own follies, but ultimately, this blog captures little glimpses of my life that would otherwise be lost.
A celebration of nature and beauty and a certain way of seeing the world, a developing aesthetic, a certain sensibility that bridges multiple arenas and disciplines, a celebration of certain values and of the DIY culture, a place to share my creations and thought processes with a larger audience, I believe that is how I first envisioned it. Far from achieving that, I am nonetheless happy with how it reflects the changes I have undergone this past year and some odd months.