Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Apples; cream cheese and olives and carrots on a stick

My roommate comes up with some pretty amazing metaphors. I think it's some combination of her own artistic sensibility, experience in life, and the fact that she's from Japan and, well, they have a different culture over there and all that. Over the course of living with her these past couple months, I feel really lucky to have benefitted from sage advice and encouragement from her, time and again. One idea I keep coming back to, over and over again, is the metaphor that our capacity to handle stuff - whatever stuff might be: schoolwork, a job, adversity, relationships, multitasking, finding a life direction, job hunting - is like an apple. You build your capacity with age. With challenges. It grows.

I may be a small-ish apple now [and 4 years behind her], but she feels confident that I will grow. And for all that I keep bumping up against the limits of my capacity, wanting ever so much for this little apple to be able to handle where I'm at in life right now, I need to accept that, well, you're just not there yet. It's coming. But let go of wanting to be a bigger apple than you currently are.

My apologies for neglecting this space so much this semester. It seems I just cannot sit down and sew a straight line on my sewing machine [literally, I have the pins in place, I just have to load the damn bobbin thread and STITCH]. I cannot even upload the photos of the finished handknits off my camera that I posted about last time. I can barely sleep through the night sometimes. But I know that one day these things will return.

So yeah. Here's to becoming a nice, big, fat juicy apple. And I'm already grateful be much, much further along than I was even 6 months ago. I saw a doctor yesterday who said, "You know, you seem to have it under control." To which I had to laugh because it reminded me of something my therapist had said - don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides - and because it made me think of how large a chasm exists between how I may feel and what I [often unintentionally] project. I'm just, you know, tired and wanting space for reflection that I just don't have the luxury of indulging right now. So, um, I don't know. Maybe I'll see you all in 2010 or something. Or maybe the apple will swell just slightly and I'll get my act together and post something craft-related to round out the year. We'll see.

Sorry for the brain dump and the negativity. That's just what happens when I'm tired. So, to end on a positive note, here's an image from the amazing Thanksgiving weekend I had with some college friends in DC. It was the next best thing to being back in CA for the weekend.

The battalion readies itself for battle ...


Sigrid said...

Honestly, it's sometimes refreshing to share a little honest melancholy. I don't only read crafter's blogs to see finished projects, I'm also interested the process of a thoughtful person.

Zonnah said...

Oh my I LOVE those penguins!!! Do you know if there was a trick to making them? Hang in there, I think it is just this time of year when there is sooo much going on.